I hate "Two and a Half Men." I really hoped the whole Charlie Sheen thing would blow up enough to rid television of its presence, but it looks like I'm not going to be so lucky. Why do I have such a disdain for this show? I hate it because of the song that rolls during the credits. You likely know the tune. "Men, men, men, men, manly-men..." What drives me nuts is that at the end, this show attempts to reinforce the idea that what you have just seen is a portrayal of some sort of male ideal. Who better to define manliness for us than Charlie Sheen (in person or in character), right? Absurd.
I realize that this show is just one of many which are currently defining what manhood looks like. Some argue that the media is setting the agenda, some argue the media is simply giving us what we want. I know where I stand on that, but that's another discussion for another day. I'm not interested in a chicken/egg debate. What I am interested in, however, is acknowledging that the very idea of what it is to be a man has been perverted. Criminals, womanizers, abusers, thieves, bums, drunks, addicts, and playboys are celebrated by young men as idols who are not only worthy of adulation, but also emulation (Li'l Wayne, the Jersey Shore cast, Ron Jeremy, Hugh Hefner, Charlie Sheen, Jesse James, etc.). Progressively, I've become far more passionate about this topic. I suppose three truths have contributed to my lack of tolerance for those who flaunt this false image of what it means to be a man.
- Age has a tendency to reduce one's tolerance for lies.
- I am a father of two boys and thus take Ephesians 6:4 more seriously than I used to.
- I've worked around teenage boys all day for eight years now and see the misconceptions about manhood that plague our sons.
Here are the two most troubling lies I see our young men being taught as truth and buying into on varying levels.
Misconception #1: When a real man is pushed, he must push back with greater force.
I cannot begin to express how pervasive this idea is among the young men I work with. I had a conversation with a young man earlier this year that typifies this thinking. The young man in question had basically been raised with only one male role model, his uncle. The only trait he ever told me he admired in his uncle was that he was "a cool dude with a sweet car." One day this kid was talking with other kids in my class about whose (butt) he was going to kick for keying his car. I intervened and asked him what good it would do to repay their aggression with aggression. All of the young men in my class looked at me like I had just claimed the world was flat and that I was Poseidon. While all of them acknowledged that the kid in question could end up facing jail time for his retaliation and that it wouldn't fix the paint job on his car to beat down the aggressors, they all readily agreed that the only course of action was to fight fire with greater fire. Here was my question: "What would be harder for you: to carry out your wrath or to forgive and move on?" The inevitable answer was that it would be nearly impossible to forgive and walk away. To this, I left them with, "Then why does it make him more of a man to take the easier route?"
Obviously, these young men are not seeing forgiveness practiced. If their role models consistently choose vengeance, then why would they have any reason to see forgiveness as the more desirable option? Instead of heeding the words of
Proverbs 29:11, our young men are taught to instinctively react with fury against all trespasses. Much less are they taught to carry out Jesus' words in
Matthew 5:39 or
Matthew 5:44.
Misconception #2: A woman is a sexual object for a man's pleasure
Here's a tough one. Our culture has become so hyper-sexualized that shady, shady things have become the status quo. Bottom line, we are tossing our young men to the wolves because we "normalize" things that seem like such innocent, minute things which slowly allow lust to creep into their hearts at the cost of love. I know this is an unpopular stance, but I have a real problem with the "I (heart) Boobies" bracelets that have become common among high school (and middle school) boys. Of course, we hide the clever marketing ploy under a sincere concern for breast cancer awareness. FYI, if you think most young men are wearing it because they want to promote breast cancer awareness, come do my job for a few days and watch how they treat young women. Ask teenage boys about their
vast knowledge of breast cancer statistics. Ask them if they've been personally affected and been forced to watch the devastation of this tragedy. The majority, you will quickly find, wear them simply because they do indeed love breasts...not women. (
Sarcasm Forthcoming) That's what every girl wants, right? A man more concerned with the contents of her shirt than the contents of her heart. That's the kind of guy a father wants for his precious daughter, right? A man who, foremost, wants people to understand that what he truly loves in that wondrous, beautiful creation of God is her chest?!!! This is insanity!!!!! If a young man shows up to my house to date my daughter wearing one of those, I will
quickly send him home so that I don't do anything to him which would force me to start a prison ministry from the inside. The WORST part is that some people will say I am making a big deal of just a silly little word. I've even had people tell me I clearly don't care for those affected by cancer despite the fact that my grandmother died of cancer and my dad has been twice affected. This is more than semantics. This is not about words...this is about young men's souls.
What do I want for my sons? I want them to view females in the context of
Proverbs 31:30. I want them to love a woman so much that they take to heart the words of
Ephesians 5:25. I do not want their future wives to be objects of lust, but rather objects of sacrificial service. What more could I hope for my daughter in marriage than that she find a man who had committed himself to loving her in the same manner which Christ loved us? With the advent of technology, instilling and defending this mindset is becoming an uphill battle. Today, men are bombarded with images and messages that years ago could only be received through shady, shady means. Many moms might be thinking, "Oh, that's not my son." Does he have a computer? An iPod with internet access? Friends who do? Trust me, that's your son. My advice? Engage him in this discussion proactively. If our young men are left alone in the world to discover what gives women worth, I guarantee you they will receive a polluted, deceptive message that will destroy them and their future relationships from the inside out.
So, what do we do about these lies? We attack them with truth. We go on the offensive, not the defensive. Too often our course is to shoot for "behavior prevention" rather than "truth revelation." As an example, I remember going through a "True Love Waits" study several times as a teenager. All I can recall from those studies are debates on "how far is too far," signing a pledge card promising to abstain until marriage, and a temporary spike in purity ring stocks. Seems like good intentions, but were people really thinking, "Whew, now we're good. In the moment of greatest temptation, those kiddos will feel the weight of that purity ring, remember that they signed a pledge card promising not to have sex, and draw the line clearly at involved kissing"?
Age or youthful ignorance could have erased my memory, but what I don't recall is anyone attacking the underlying idea that was the true root of the problem...
idolatry; elevating sex to an object of worship rather than seeing it as a good and beautiful gift from an infinitely good Creator who prescribes a context in which that gift can be safe, rewarding, and honoring to each other and Him. Is that a tougher sell than, "PLEASE, DO NOT HAVE SEX!!!"? Yes it is. However, the difference is that one goes after the root while the other merely hacks at the limbs springing from a heart that has bought into deadly lies. When it comes to lies about the nature of manhood, we cannot afford to modify behaviors, but must use truth to combat the lies from which those behaviors grow .
How else do we attack these lies which falsely identify what it is to be manly? We need men who will live like THE man, Jesus Christ. Too many young men have no model to follow, but are left to figure it out on their own. How do we model this behavior? We forgive those who don't deserve it (
Luke 23:34). We serve others in humility (
John 13). We give ourselves up for others at all cost (
John 15:13). We love our wives as Christ loved the church and "gave himself up for her."
Show me that kind of man, and I'll find him infinitely more impressive than a man who can dunk a basketball, fight any challenger, rule his wife with an iron fist, drink others under the table, have sex with any woman he wants, sell a million albums, or gain the whole world yet lose his soul in the process. In comparison with what Christ did, those things seem pretty easy...and I've never known a real man to take the easy way out.
Note: I promise lighter fare for next blog. Maybe something about alpacas...
